Chantix Diary Day 8 -- One Week!!!

Yea me!!!

Wow!  I've completed an entire week of not smoking!  Unless you've smoked a really long time and quit yourself you have no idea how good this feels.  My oldest daughter said she would consider me a non-smoker when I've gone a week.  It's one thing to be proud of your kids.  But to have your kids be proud of you...that's an amazing feeling!  She even told her friends at school.  It's kind of a big deal to me because Sami is 16 and not very demonstrative with the family.  So with her being proud enough of me to tell her friends...very big deal.

I have to admit that sometimes I still have cravings...even within the last few minutes.  I don't suppose that's going to go away instantly.  Sometimes the urges are stronger than others, but they never last for very long.  I just have to find something to do to occupy my mind and my hands and it passes within a few minutes.

Besides being able to breathe better, here's another benefit to being a non-smoker:  my husband hugs me closer and tighter!  The smell always offended him, but now I smell good and he likes to get close.  That's a great perk!

I still have not had any bad side effects from taking the Chantix.  All is well in my brain...or at least as well as it was when I started. lol

Now, since I'm getting healthier with quitting smoking, my next thing to tackle is my weight.  My new general practice doctor that I started seeing seems to know more about my psychiatric medications than my psychiatrist does.  Turns out that one of the meds I'm on has another use...they give it to anorexia patients to make them crave sugary carbs in order to gain weight!  Holly sheet!  That could explain a few things.  About a month ago I switched to drinking diet Mountain Dew, which instantly took about 5,000 calories a week out of my diet.  I feel great about that and my doctor was very proud of me for it.  But I know I still have things I need to work on.

I don't want to go on any fad diets.  I don't want to do Atkin's again.  I don't want to count points.  I want to make gradual lifestyle changes that my whole family can adopt and maintain for the long run.  Since I stopped smoking I now have an extra $25 a week that I can spend on healthier foods, like fresh fruits and vegetables. This week the change I'm going to make is a switch to brown rice and using olive oil.  I found a brown rice recipe that sounds absolutely delicious that I'm going to try.  It's got shredded carrots and zucchini, sunflower seeds, almond slivers, and red pepper flakes.  I read the reviews from people who have tried it and they were glowing.  Some of them made their own little modifications like adding different vegetables or different nuts.  Some added onion or garlic.  I'm going to try it as is first, and then I'll decide if I want to modify next time.  I rarely fry my foods, but I decided I should splurge on the much more expensive olive oil for those times that I do.  These are two healthy but easy changes that I can make and maintain.  Oh, and I forgot.  A few weeks ago I also converted my family to eating whole wheat pasta.  They love it!  And at Super Wal-Mart it costs about the same as regular pasta.  Another easy change!  I've used the whole wheat for spaghetti, tuna noodle casserole and even one of our favorites, bowtie pasta salad.  Now I don't feel as bad about eating pasta.

My doctor told me I need to stay away from potatoes.  That will be a tough one.  It will take a while to work on that one I think.  I found an interesting recipe for mashed cauliflower that is like mashed potatoes.  Maybe with some garlic and a little cheese it might be pretty good.  One of these days I'll try that one.

But a few other problem areas are:  cereal, portion size, snacks, I like to bake treats, and I don't eat regularly throughout the day.  I'll work on all these a little at a time.

Also, since I can breathe better I am now motivated to start walking and getting a little exercise.  I don't have sneakers, and it's hard to find shoes for me because my feet are very wide.  But I discovered a brand online through Woman Within, an awesome plus size site, that is also sold at Sear's called Propet.  They have W and extra W widths.  When our tax refund comes in I'm going to go get a pair.  And literally start walking my butt off!  :)

Chantix Diary Quit Day 5

I am still smoke-free!  There have been urges, yes, but I have been able to work my way through them unlike any other time I had tried to quit.  The Chantix really does make those urges bearable.  It's roughest for me in the mornings, and in the afternoons when I'm bored.  Being bored is the worst.  One of the places I had smoked the most was in the car while I was driving.  Now, it's just the opposite.  I got a nice cherry lemonade air freshener in my car to make it smell nice, and while I'm driving is probably now the time when I think about smoking the least.  Weird.

Before if I had an urge it would be so powerful and actually physically painful that I could not resist it.  Now when I have an urge it's more of an irritant that I wish would leave my brain.  I know I don't want to smoke, and I know I'm not going to give in, so there's no need to have those thoughts, right?  Makes sense to me.  But I still have them anyways.

I have to tell you how nice it is to be able to breathe.  Here it is 5:20a.m. and I'm tired and just yawned.  I could feel the air go way down deep and fill up my lungs.  What a nice feeling.  I also had a horrible wheeze.  When I laid down or anything I had this horrible squeak, or sometimes a deep rumbling every time I inhaled and exhaled.  Now it's gone.  Well, I'm sure I probably still have a wheeze deep down in there, but I can't hear it anymore.  Thankfully, because all that noise sure did make it hard to fall asleep at night! I am also coughing less and less each day.  When I coughed before sometimes it was so bad my youngest daughter would get scared that I was going to die.  

I still have not had any bad side effects.  Yesterday I was feeling very paranoid, but I'm sure that was because I heard my front door handle jiggle, and then after that I was super sensitive to every single noise.  So I don't think the paranoia was because of the Chantix.  I'm sure it was just me being nervous about being home alone.

So here I am, early in the morning on Quit Day 5, and I'm feeling pretty good about things!

Chantix Diary Quit Day 2

Morning

Mornings are the most difficult time for me.  I am feeling anxious and a little jittery.  I keep reminding myself how proud of myself I was yesterday and how excited my kids were.  Trying to take slow deep breaths to relax.  Took an anxiety pill along with my Chantix and it's starting to make me feel a little sleepy.

I still have none of the bad side affects, such as the worsening of mental health symptoms.  I'm grateful for that!  If anything I have been feeling more on the energetic and manic side rather than depressed and suicidal.  Some people complain of nausea, and I have not experienced that either.  I have been careful to always take the Chantix with a meal.  Except this morning I didn't so we'll see what happens.

My kids are so very proud of me.  Their smiles, hugs and high fives are the best reward and support I can get.  I have learned that my carbon monoxide levels have gone to normal.  My oxygen levels have reached normal. The damage to my skin has stopped.  And already my chance of a heart attack has decreased.  Those are big changes!  Now I just need to get all those crappy chemicals out of my system.  Trying to stay hydrated.

I may go back to bed for a bit and hopefully relax through my morning struggles.

Afternoon

My afternoon consisted of going to get our taxes done and grocery shopping at Wal-Mart and then finishing the groceries at Fry's.  It's been a busy day.  I must admit that today is more difficult than yesterday, but it is not impossible.  I have had strong urges, but they go away within a couple minutes.  I think I'm feeling some withdrawal symptoms...cranky, headache and that kind of thing.  A little jittery, too.

I noticed that today though sometimes when I was driving I realized I hadn't thought about a cigarette in a while.  Then I have to give myself a pat on the back.  Then there was the incident in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  You have to understand that for several years I was so agoraphobic that I was shut in my bedroom most of the time.  Shopping has always been the biggest challenge for me.  So here I am at Wal-Mart, leaving to go to my car.  Before I get out the door the cashier comes yelling after me...I forgot a bag of groceries on the turn table.  Then less than a minute later she comes running out again chasing me in the parking...I forgot another bag of groceries!  Where is my head????

So I am a little flustered already and then...I can't find my car!  I walked up the aisle I thought it was on, and nope, no car.  hmmmm...maybe it was one over.  So I go over to the next aisle.  Still no car.  My panic and anxiety are rapidly rising to intolerable levels.  I went all the way back down the aisle and over a couple and started up.  I took my keys out and pushed my lock button to see if I could hear the horn.  It doesn't work from very far away, so I have to be pretty close to hear it.  Finally I heard the faint beep beep of my horn.  So I followed the sound of the horn, and I'm sure the people around me must have thought I was crazy.  (Well, as a matter of fact I am.  hehehe.)  I finally found my car and got my groceries loaded.  This is the part where I would normally be so flustered and upset that the first thing I would reach for was a cigarette.  I took some deep breaths (and btw, it's amazing how quickly the lungs can clear up to be able to take those deep breaths).  In with the good air...out with the bad.  Even though some very tempting thoughts crossed my mind to go buy a pack, other thoughts quickly took over, such as "I don't want to be disappointed in myself."  "I don't want my family to be disappointed in me."  "I don't want to stink up myself and my car" (I just put an air freshener in it to perk it up and cover up some of the smoke smell.)  "I was so excited yesterday and I want to keep that feeling."  Those thoughts took over, and I made it through a very stressful situation without a cigarette!

This is some huge progress for me!  I think I'll have some tempting situations, but I think I have proven to myself that I can do it.  If I fail it's only because I let myself fail.  I have realized that cigarettes do NOT have a vice grip on me and I CAN say no.

I'm going to go take a little rest  before I make a huge meal of pork chops, mashed potatoes, corn, and gravy.  I won't write anymore tonight.  I think I've got a grip on the day, and the rest of the night I am just staying home.  I think I can congratulate myself on another successful day!!!

Chantix Diary Day 8 -- Quit Day!

I'll write throughout the day, partly as therapy for myself, and also to give a rundown on how the whole day goes.

Morning

Bleary eyed, I woke up thinking I need to go outside and have a cigarette.  But then I remembered.  Today I become a non-smoker.  It was an exciting thought, but scary at he same time.  I sat down at my computer and there was an email waiting for me from Chantix' "Get Quit" program.  They send activities to do every day in preparation of your quit day and also on following through the program.  They really do help.  Today's activity was to make a 24 hour action plan.  Divided into morning, afternoon, evening and night, I selected triggers from a drop down (that I created a previous day) and then select from a drop down what I will do to get past the urge and craving (that list I also created on a previous activity).  So I printed it out and I will keep it with me.  Then when I'm not thinking real clearly I can just refer to my 24 hour action plan.

I'm going to do my best to keep myself busy today.  I am going to start off with doing all my online contests.  That usually takes about 2 hours.  I have to drive my daughter and her friend to the mall, and that's going to be one of my biggest challenges.  A few hours later I have to pick them up and take Sami to an eye doctor appointment.  Another challenge because while she's looking for frames I usually go outside and have a smoke.  Not today.

I feel pretty good.  My head isn't spinning like it usually does when I haven't had my nicotine.  I'm thinking about it a little obsessively, but I think that is probably normal for most people.  After all, this is a MAJOR life change.  I admit I also took a 1mg Clonapin, an anti-anxiety pill to help me through. All right, I'll check back in a bit later.

Afternoon

I made it past morning!!!!  Yea for me!  I have been smoke free for more than 12 hours now, and it feels great already.  I have to admit that I am still thinking about it, but I'm not obsessing or jonesing and telling myself all the reasons I should give up and go buy a pack.  No, it's more of just thoughts, like I should be doing something..."oh, yeah.  I'm supposed to be smoking.  Smoking sounds good.  No it doesn't.  I don't smoke anymore!"  That's kind of some of the internal dialogue that has been going on.

I kept busy this morning by making two batches of the most delicious peanut butter granola clusters.  They have (of course) peanut butter, honey, a smidge of butter, rice krispies, rolled oats, a variety of dried fruits (peaches, apricots, cranberries and apples) as well as cruncy banana chips chopped up in the blender.  Then, just for good measure, I added some chopped up chocolate chips.  They are so good!  I can't get enough.  Super easy, too!  These are going to be in our house quite a bit from now on I think.

Now, in a few minutes I have to get in the car (that smells like smoke) and drive my daughter to the mall and come home again, alone with my thoughts, driving past several Circle K's.  I can do it!

Evening

Here it is, a little after 6p.m., and I HAVEN'T SMOKED!!!!!  I have driven in my car without smoking several times.  I even went into the Circle K, bought a diet Mountain Dew thirstbuster and NO smokes!!!  I am so dang proud of myself.  Holy crow I can't believe this is actually working.  I just can't get over it.  I have a slight headache, but it doesn't seem that so far I have had any bad side affects from the Chantix.  I'll keep my eye on that, though.  I have thoughts about it, but they are just thoughts and not overly obsessive.  They come and they go.  I even sat with my daughter at the eye doctor for over an hour and a half and I did just fine!  Had my diet soda with me and just took a drink when I felt like I needed to keep my hands and  mouth busy doing something.  I have no doubts I will do just fine the rest of the night.  I can't wait for Quit Day 2!

Chantix Diary Day 5

I have no signs of any bad psychiatric side affects to worsen my bipolar-ness or my schizzo-affective disorder.  Great news!  Let's keep that theme going as I continue.  The other day I said it seemed as if I was smoking more.  I actually wasn't.  I signed up for the Get Quit internet support program and they give daily homework assignments.  One of them was to keep track of every time I smoked and what was going on or what I was feeling at the time and then write it down.  When I started taking Chantix I was up to almost 1 pack a day.  When I took a look at what I was doing on day 3, I only smoked 10 cigarettes the whole day.  I think what might have been happening is that each time I smoked after starting this program, I was fully aware of what I was doing and it seemed like a whole lot.  I think that although I was smoking more before I started, I wasn't paying any attention to what I was doing and did it only half-consciously.  Does that make sense?

I still crave, although I can go longer periods in between when I feel like I "have" to have one.  Another thing that I have heard so much is that many people practically quit before their quit day because the cigarettes start tasting bad.  I have not had that happen yet, although I wish it would.

I'm still a little panicky about the whole quit day thing.  I was invited to go to a monthly "sweepers" meeting this Saturday.  I immediately thought...I don't know if I can do that right on my first day of no cigarettes!  I thought about the looooong car drive there and back, plus the eating in between.  After a few minutes of high anxiety I started thinking rationally.  The drive each way is only 20 minutes.  Although one of my biggest triggers and one of the places where I "have" to smoke is in the car, surely I can put off for just 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back, right?  I'm thinking I can do it.

Chantix Day 2

Well, it seemed as if I have been smoking even more, but I think that's all psychological.  I mean, I've only taken 1/2 mg for 2 days so I'm thinking that could not be near enough to have any weird affects on me.  I had a little conversation with myself about why I was going outside more frequently the past 2 days.  Is it because I'm a little panicky that my quit date is coming and I have to get in more while I can?  That thought made me think a little.  The thing is, when I am smoking I'm not feeling any satisfaction from it.  Maybe those nicotine receptors in my brain are getting blocked?  If I'm not getting any satisfaction from it, is there any real reason to keep on doing it? After I had those thoughts I successfully and almost painlessly passed up a smoke on two big triggers....after eating, and during half time of a basketball game.  A break in the action usually means a break for me too.  I did have 1/2 of one after I woke up from a nap, but, again it didn't really do anything for me.  I have a slight headache, but other than that, nothing new to report.  I'm still really optimistic that this will work.

I also signed up for the Chantix Get Quit help website program thing.  Today I am keeping track of whenever I smoke and what I was doing when I decided to go smoke.